Friday, October 24, 2014

I Am Enough

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What would you do if Oprah called and asked you to go on her network? To talk to millions of people as an authority on something, as a go-to person, as a professional expert?

I've often said I'm not an expert on anything. I just dabble at things. I know a little bit about a lot of things. But an 'expert'? Nope, you must be thinking of someone else.

I'm not even very consistent at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at: Writing.

Earlier this week, my husband sent me this message:

"Only one blog in September, and (horrors!) a big fat goose egg in October. You writing under a psuedonym???????"

Uh, no, I told him. I haven't been writing under any nym. I haven't been writing at all. Goose egg is right.

I've had a thousand brainstorms in my car, written blog posts in my brain while driving and cooking and peeing and working. But I just never got around to writing them and posting them to this site.

I've also got two huge books rolling around in my head. I've done research and written notes and sketched synopses, but have yet to write even one full chapter of either book.

At this point I'm so invisible that I don't need to worry about Oprah or anyone else calling.

But there's a good reason for that.


Ok...that's not really a good reason, is it?

Fear is rarely a good reason for anything. It raises our cortisol levels, stops us from accomplishing things, makes us do other things that are kind of stupid, and keeps us securely locked up in a little closet where we can be safe from all the bogeys out there. You know, the bogeys we imagine are only 'out there' but are, in reality, IN HERE. Inside our core.

Because that's where the fears, the bogeys, start. Not out there. Not with what someone else said or thought or commented or MIGHT say or think or comment. But inside ourselves, with the one voice we should control but don't: Our own critical internal voice.

Thankfully, on the outside of ourselves, we sometimes come across voices that smash the walls of our tiny closets and usher in light and love and reason that sends the bogeys running!

So, back to Oprah.

What if I wrote a book that got her attention? What if she wanted to talk to me about it? What if she endorsed my book? What if she even wanted me to come on her network and share my experience with other women?

Do you know that is one of the things that scares me? As far fetched as it sounds - Oprah reading my book and wanting to talk to me about it - my mind does quantum leaps to places like that, places of potential success. But instead of rejoicing and living into it, my mind freezes. It says No. It stops me in my tracks.

Because....what if I make an idiot out of myself? What if I have nothing to say? What if Oprah looks at me and says, "Girl, I don't know why I liked your book - you're just a big ol' FRAUD!"?  Because what if, when the spotlight comes on me, I wither away instead of shining?

Apparently I'm not the only one who has thoughts like that.

Enter Glennon Doyle Melton.

Love me some Glennon Doyle Melton, who is so totally messed up and so totally beautiful in her chaos. She's the author of the book "Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed." She is an amazing blogger. She is a spirit-lifter-upper. She is an inspirer of women all over the world. She's also a drunk and a bulimic and a whole host of other things that people love to talk about.

So when Oprah called her, Glennon said, "Finally! My ship has come in! This amazing woman has finally recognized what an amazing woman I am! I can't wait to tell America how smart I am and tell off all those byotches who criticize me, because I am a Warrior!"

Ok, no, not really.

Actually, Glennon's reaction was more like mine:

"When OWN show called, I was absolutely terrified and I thought about being too scared to come. But then I...recognized it as an invitation from life just to show up.... All the wise and strong and successful women that I know show up BEFORE (they are) ready. And that's what I keep doing, every day. And it keeps turning out that....I Am Enough!"

I Am Enough?

This way of thinking is completely counter-intuitive for me. My first thought is ALWAYS that if I don't feel 100% certain I am prepared, I will show up and not be good enough. This fear is the root of my anxiety, my horrific stage fright, my reluctance to say 'yes', my failure to achieve my goals...

Well as of this moment I am just damning that attitude all to hell.

The messed up non-expert author and total strainger Glennon Doyle Melton says I An Enough.

My mama says I Am Enough.

My husband says I Am Enough.

My daughter says I Am Enough.

My God says I Am Enough.

Not Perfect, not Flawless, but fully human and ENOUGH. No more waiting until I'm perfect to get to the work of my life....because now I say I. Am. Enough.

Watch Glennon's interview here and visit her blog here

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